Solve Marital Problems
With Goodfinding And A Solution-Based Focus
Authored by William G. DeFoore, Ph.D.
Marital problems often have the solution right there in the problem. This is Goodfinding at its best.
A friend once said, "We love our problems for the gifts that they bring." This attitude will serve you well in your marriage, when you make up your mind that you're going to use every problem that comes along as an opportunity to make your relationship better.
Now let's look at the types of problems we wind up with, so we know them when we see them. A lot of time, good folks like you are in the middle of a problem, making it worse, and you don't even know it's happening.
This will help you with that.
Types of Marital Problems
You guessed it...communication. This is a huge subject, but we're going to touch on some very important points here that will help you make your marriage better.
When we talk about communication, we're not just talking about what is being said. We're paying attention to what's not being said...lack of communication can be as much of a problem as the wrong kind.
Disrespect is the underlying factor in many common communication problems. Here are three common causes of disrespectful communication:
- Making excuses for bad behavior -- many spouses think that being tired, sick or stressed out is an excuse for treating your loved one badly...it's not.
- Allowing familiarity to breed contempt -- when you get used to someone being there, and you're in a bad mood, you might think that gives you the right or excuse to be unkind, short, irritable or rude. There are no good reasons for hurting the person you love.
- The "right" to criticize -- many married people think that being married gives you the right to criticize your partner, and yet criticism destroys love. The confused thinking is that if you criticize someone they will change...that just doesn't work.
Respect is the foundation of love. Without respect, there can be no love.
Lack Of Communication
Sometimes, saying nothing is the absolutely best choice...at other
times, it is very destructive. Here are some examples of withholding what really needs to be spoken:
- Holding back love -- love is the basis for marriage, the glue that keeps a marriage together, and the source of healing for all marital problems. Withholding love not only hurts the marriage, it hurts the person who is holding it back.
- Holding back appreciation -- appreciation is a basic, everyday aspect of love.
When you take things for granted, you're holding back appreciation.
When you withhold (don't express) appreciation, you're unintentionally putting up a silent wall between you and your spouse.
- Lack of understanding and empathy --without these two essential ingredients, there can be no lasting connection between spouses. Empathy between you and your spouse is a bridge that connects your hearts. It is the beginning point of understanding, acceptance and compassion.
Solutions To Marital Problems
If you look at each of the problems described above, you will see that the solutions are right there inside the problems.
In describing these problems, we made reference to these important words:
The Commitment To Protect And Provide
You may have thought that protecting and providing is a male role, but it's actually important for both males and females.
We're going to look at exactly what to protect your relationship from, and what to provide. These are the solutions to marital problems that you've been looking for.
Protect your relationship from:
- Anger -- while many think it's acceptable to express extreme anger to your spouse, this is actually a relationship destroyer.
- Sarcasm -- the "veiled dagger" of "just kidding" can chip away at trust and intimacy over time, and ultimately diminish love.
- Neglect -- a marriage needs attention, like a garden or a child. Neglect is as damaging as abuse, although in a different way.
- Criticism -- this is another type of communication that many married couples think is normal and acceptable, and yet, it just doesn't work. Criticism is very damaging to marital bliss.
- Questioning, doubting and controlling -- many great marriages fall prey to these trust killers. Nobody wants to be questioned, doubted or controlled, even if it's deserved.
- Love -- this is of course the key to solving all marital problems. Love is why we get married, and it is the reason we stay married.
- Safety -- everyone must feel safe (from the things listed just above, for example) to be able to give and receive love.
- Respect -- this is the foundation for all good relationships. Everyone is worthy of respect, regardless of their shortcomings.
- Forgiveness -- the ability to let go of anger and grievances is key to a happy marriage. Otherwise, the built up resentment creates an impermeable wall separating you from your spouse.
- A Positive Focus -- this is a good way to provide all of the above benefits. By focusing on what you love and appreciate about your spouse, you're providing love, safety from judgment, respect and forgiveness.
Of course, there is a lot more to learn about solving marital problems and creating a happy, lasting marriage. This will give you a good start, however.
Read and re-read this page, and begin putting some of this into practice in your marriage, and you will start to see benefits. Speaking of benefits...keep reading to learn about an amazing program that will give you the marriage you want.
Sacred Roles In Marriage
Keys To Creating Fantastic Love Relationships
Learn directly from Dr. DeFoore in this recording of his live presentation on how to solve marital problems and create the best marriage possible.
Discover how to make each of the following roles work for you and your spouse as you create the love and joy you have always wanted:
- Spouse -- Don't just assume that you know what a husband or wife should be. Decide what kind of spouse you want to be and make a full commitment to that, or the subconscious roe you learned from your parents will take over.
- Partner -- Think of all of the ways your marriage needs you and your spouse to work together, and decide to become the best partner and team member you can possibly be.
- Friend/companion -- Make sure your spouse is your best friend in the whole world. This is the foundation of every good marriage relationship. With a great friendship as a fall-back plan, the marriage is far more stable. Put your best effort into becoming all that a great companion can be.
- Teacher/Student -- Assume that your partner has a lot to teach you, and always be looking to learn how you can better love her/him on a daily and ongoing basis. And take your role as teacher/leader seriously, always aware of the message your behavior is sending.
- Lover -- Put your heart, body and soul into learning to be a good lover to your spouse. This is not something that automatically happens, and it's not all about one of you meeting the other's needs. Sacred sexuality is a blissful blessing that you consciously and consistently bestow on your marriage.
Select the image below to learn more, and to get your copy of the program. You can get it in CD format, or download the MP3 program directly to your computer or device to begin listening immediately.
Take action now to get this highly informative program, and begin your journey to the joyful, loving marriage you have always wanted!
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