Purpose On The Other Side of Pain
by Jaugenia W.
(Dunn, NC )
My life has been hard and unforgiving. My journey was fueled by emotional hurt, disappointments and anger, I worried tirelessly about how I was going to get through my storms and whether I would get to the other side of pain.
My thoughts were all over the place, and though I considered the prospect of giving up, I could not afford that choice. I was falling apart inside and needed to nurse my brokenness. That is hard to do when you have a duty to nurse others. My family’s contentment rested on my ability to keep everything together.
I had a story to tell and no one to tell it to. I needed somebody to know that I was the authority on what hurt is. I was going to shed my experiences, along with every emotion, to get release. I imagined pouring out my truth with grit and I told myself that I would heal by telling.
I was angry and depleted, but I had a master plan…didn’t you? Think about it… everybody responsible for your hurt, tears, and broken spirit would regret it just as soon as you got the strength to get yourself together. Sweet revenge is often short-lived, so that plan never panned out. Now, I Laugh as I am reminded of how quickly responsibilities can put a hook in the most thought-out plans.
As I continued to travel through different situations, I gained clarity and wisdom about the purpose within my struggles, and the importance of sharing this with you. The message in my experiences is not about me, those circumstances, or those who hurt me. I am a just a vessel. The message is not buried in my story…instead it is revealed in the outcome.
This message of hope, faith, resilience, peace and joy, is the end stage of going through a personal hell – broken but still standing in victory to help someone else stand. This process of “becoming” is no walk in the park, but it is anchored in truth. It is a process embedded in the path to “being”, and well worth the road trip.
It is said that elephants have great memories. Their ability to remember past encounters spanning years is astonishing. In that aspect, consider me the elephant in the room. With accuracy, I can recall every situation that broke my spirit from youth to adulthood…in detail.
This is especially remarkable to me since I have forgotten where my keys are at least four times a day for the past twenty years. I emphasize this as though it is a special gift, but the same is true for many people. Some memories are just etched in the psyche.
I wondered if painful memories were embedded on purpose to shield my heart. Now I can openly say that I needed those reminders to go off on a rant when my thoughts were getting the best of me.
I could not tell anyone because people believed I was strong and impenetrable. But even the strongest people cry out- mostly at night though when no one is around.
The truth is most of us never forget the bad stuff. Instead, it is tucked away like a best kept collection of memoirs – for proof that pain scars the inner man. See, experiences can be denied but not removed.
So…I packed and tucked them deep, grabbed a mask, and carried on as though nothing ever happened. The mask worked. It hid my truth- what I did not want revealed. I became so good at pretending to be ok; I mastered the art of creating and shifting between several masks in each day. Let me tell you, that takes commitment and skill, but it is exhausting. At the days end, all that mattered was that I did not look like what I was going through. I decided that no one would ever catch me unguarded again.
When you are hurting, it is easy to point a finger at who did what and when. There is no clarity or solution in sight. There are only raw emotions – and there is always a piece or a few details missing in the remnants. You know…the parts where someone, or some things were granted permission to access our space, mind and spirit.
The journey to brokenness is not usually a solo trip. It is rarely experienced in the absence of other factors. Storing pain does not heal the heart or free the mind. Instead, it holds the spirit hostage. Being fixed on what hurts you keeps you bound to the experience. However, there is a purpose among the ruins and peace that follows.
There is a way through and out. That truth may seem unfathomable, but I believe with all my heart that it is within reach. Breaking out of mental and emotional affliction was not easy, but I did not do it alone. My prayers, belief, faith, and my trust in God’s Word was my starting point. Peace came in, one scripture at a time.
Everyone with a journey experience yearns for someone to understand the toll life takes. The impact is often masked and silent but far reaching. Life can be hard and unbearable at times, but it can become positively life-altering in the grand scheme of things.
Hang in there. I believe the reward far outweighs the challenges along the way. My journey inspires me. Yes, that valley of hopelessness and despair, disappointments, failures and brokenness, is now my inspiration to thrive and snatch back the life I deserve to live. I believe that someone somewhere is entering a valley I have exited, and I intend to pour out wisdom, understanding and love for the journey.
I want to encourage you to stay in the ring and make the next round your best round! The most valuable lessons are hard learned but purpose is discoverable. I encourage you to boldly embrace life’s journey and pursue every task with one goal in mind: Victorious Living – Unbound and Unmasked.
Do not ever give up the pursuit of becoming and being a victorious you. Be encouraged.